Honest Questions

Moving to Austria, I took it for granted that we would find and fit into a church community just as we had in Norwich.  Why wouldn’t this be a chart-topping priority for God?


But church in Vienna was hard for us.  For a whole range of reasons, we didn’t find that place of being deeply rooted.  We became three out of five, sporadic attenders.  And with our regular attendance retreating, my doubts rolled forward.


The doubts and questions didn’t surprise me; I knew they were there beforehand but the power of a church community, worship and spiritual practices had helped me keep them conveniently quiet.  I had tucked these problematic questions underneath the convincing belief that I could never expect to fully understand God. 


When I felt less swept up in church, this belief felt more like an easy way out than powerful truth.


And I am reluctant to write this. Perhaps Christian readers can relate more: I’ve been a Christian since my early teenage years and, if we’re expecting steady progress, I really should be raising the dead by now, not getting caught up and emotional over questions that I’m pretty sure they cover on the Alpha course. 


I mean, if you’re going to base your whole life on something, shouldn’t you be a little more certain about it? If your ‘I’m-100%-sold-out-for-my-faith-act’ isn’t genuine, what else about you is?


The proud part of me (about 80%) wants to present as being really together in my faith. The pastors of our new church are coming over for dessert this evening and I want to make a good impression.  This certainly won’t be a result of the dessert I haven’t had time to prepare (‘Penguin bar anyone?!’) or the house I haven’t had time to clean.  I’m envisioning that we’ll discuss how Zane and I can root ourselves into church life again. It’d be better if they didn’t box me as a wobbly Christian, half in and half out, not towing the line on some fundamental questions of faith.


And when I read that last paragraph back, I realise I could delete it and write PRIDE-PRIDE-PRIDE-I AM PROUD instead.  It’s ugly right?  


Even though I don’t want to, at least in writing, I’m going to prioritise the weaknesses, questions and doubts in my faith.  I’m going to hold the breaks on fixing my eyes heavenward and pressing forward, just for a spell.  Rather than tucking them underneath again, I need to turn around and face my uncertainties.



Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash

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