Mum Overboard

I didn’t even buy formula.  I mean, how hard could breastfeeding be? Breast is best right?  It’s free, it’s easy, it helps you lose weight and it gives those all-important mammary cannons their chance to fulfil their dreams.   I had no idea why any women in her right mind wouldn’t breastfeed. I hadn’t a clue. Once Elias was born I realised, almost immediately, that I was spectacularly mistaken. Having never had someone suck on my nipples with all the force of nine months of hunger, I didn't know what an acceptable level of pain was.  Add to this the fact that each midwife who helped me to latch Elias on was clearly rushed off her feet, and you can see why I just bit my lip, wiggled my toes and got on with it.  This was a mistake. By night number two Righty was as cracked as a dry creek bed.  I was in trouble.  I was an all-you-can-eat buffet for two full nights and I could only feed off the left side.  My milk supply was being established in torrents and, with the weight o

If you were to make a Wordle (look it up) of my birth plan, I recon the word poo would come out the biggest. Before Elias, my major concern - trumping blood loss, sleepless nights and breast conundrums – related to spectacularly defecating whilst our little boy made his grand entrance (or exit depending how you want to look at it).  I was also concerned about how this poo would be fished from the birthing pool.  Would I be allowed to do it myself whilst no one looked and could everyone please pretend it hadn’t happened? I didn’t make it to the birthing pool.  I certainly did poo myself.  I most certainly did not care.  At forty-two weeks pregnant I resembled a whale.  A really fat whale.  Being induced involves something resembling a SIM card with a tampon-like string being shoved into close proximity with your cervix. I kid you not Reader, I remember the sharp pain from this pointy intrusion more vividly than the pain of my contractions.  It appears Mother Nature is a trick

I've been meaning to put a list of the stupid things I've done whilst under the influence of sleep deprivation together for a while now but, ironically, I've been too tired. However, today - with eye lids fully open -  I've managed to collate these little gems in the hope that other equally sleepy mums will be reassured that we are zombies together. All for one and one for all (* zombie growl*). - Making orange squash with milk.  Trust me, water is better. - Witnessing my living room curtains swell and billow like a giant angry mouth. - Washing hair with conditioner - only conditioner. - Washing body with shampoo -  shower gel is for the awake. - Forgetting my baby's name.  Probably the reason he isn't sleeping through the night (early trauma). - Calling other babies by my baby's name (they all look the same at the age right?) - The classic: waking in a panic that I've dropped/ rolled on my baby. - Variation on the classic: sleep fallin